Funny how i think about tons of stuff to write here...i have thought of a lot of things last night...then now...when im all ready to put them into writing...all disappears....so what im gonna share right now is just a fraction of what i have been thinking yesterday...mama even asked me why was i real quiet upon arriving home..im not usually quiet when eating my food...i often find means to break our "communication gap"..but last night I was different…I was really thinking…with “blank stares” heheh…those were caused by one incident only…but maybe not…Im really not sure if its only caused by that incident…it made me really think hard…this is what happened…I was at their house…then I was kissing her at their sofa…then all of a sudden…I had that urge to bite her…I bit her near her neck real long…I sucked it actually…I didn’t want to hurt her eh…and I didn’t want to leave a bite mark on her neck…but it turned out to be something more horrible…I left a hickey on her neck…if its that what some people call it…I wasn’t aware that it would happen…I mean I never did that to anyone…I never even kissed anyone…shes the first one to kiss me actually…although it felt good…I mean the kiss thing…I have to admit it It was really good cause I really love her…I didn’t feel right…cause she told me she loved someone else…and I could see that she’s really in love with that person…im really confused…and the only way to really be sure about what she feels for me is to ask her myself…but im really scared to know the truth. im too much of a chicken to face reality…why cant all of us just close our eyes to hide everything…as of now im in the stage of differentiating reality from fantasy…I think ive been living in a fantasy for some time now…a month and a half for some people may seem short…but for me it feels like forever…ive been hurting myself for quite some time actually…I still don’t learn…why don’t I learn? cause I want to have everything ive been hoping and fighting for…pushing myself to the limits…---- is right….every rope breaks no matter how hard it may seem…I think ive been digging my grave, turning it into a deeper pit Everytime I see her…as funny as it may seem to be…but this is what I really feel…I love her yes…but the things in her turns me into someone im not…and worse…I cant discern whats REALLY in her head…and it kills me how can she be so manipulative at times…*sigh*
going back to my experience yesterday…where were we…ah yeah…to the hickey thing…at the moment I saw it…I told her that she had one…right then and then she freaked out…I freaked out more than her…I wasn’t hysterical or something but I was real quiet and stationery…I even forgot to breathe for crying out loud…then she told me that I was like someone…she compared me to someone whom I really despise…then she told me… “look at this face., this is the face of a girl that u have eaten...” I was really shocked…eaten? Hello??? We have been through a lot…and I don’t think I was taking advantage at that very moment…I never (maybe more often than never) took advantage of her…if I was really taking ad…then I should have eaten her literally…the term… “eaten”…although she was really panicking cause she doesn’t know what to do with her mom…it really bothered me…then her big sister texted her saying that she was near the house…so I left uttering my final sorry words…begging for her mercy and forgiveness…I attempted to joke with her to forget everything else.. But I think it just aggravated the situation…she told me not to touch her…damn…how things could change in just a blink of an eye…one second she was really sweet and all the next moment she was telling me not to touch her….*sigh*…anyway…I haven’t had enough sleep lately…that incident worsened by insomnia…coz ive been thinking about it all night…then awhile ago before going to the simbang gabi…I texted her saying sorry and stuff and explaining that im really not that kind of person…then the I left my phone at the bathroom cause I didn’t want to check my phone every second…that’s what I think would happen at mass…so I checked my phone at around 9 am…I saw my phone was stating that there was 1 message received…then opened it…wondering who could it be…having really no hope of getting a text message from her…I unexpectedly had one from her…saying that her mom didn’t notice that mark that she had…thank god…but chances are…it might be seen eventually…she was lucky…but I hope that no one notices…anyway…this blog is the longest ive made as of now…so im just going to stop right now…remember..this is just a fraction of what I was and still is on my mind…im going to leave memory lane for now…its hard to stand up from a long time of slumber…if u know what I mean…anyway…im off to nowhere again…im going to take a turn away from memory lane and walk slowly towards rational reasoning…haha..what am I upto…I honestly don’t know…as of now…it depends on her…that’s how much I love her…I hope she knows that…ti amo diciassette…