now that shes not within reach i feel that something inside me has died...

or awaken...i dont know really what is left of me...

nothing could compare to this pain that i am feeling right now...just now..like a thousand needles piercing through my bare skin again

now i feel that she doesnt :c

her coldness has left me out in the open shivering like a naked arab in the middle of a freezing-below-thirty-alaskan-night...

i think she knows i love her Ü


nahhhh im just upset.....because she dont have time for me no more...

it scares me then the world turns its back on us...we might turn our back on each other

well its obvious alright?????? im hella bored

finally i have the time to write something here..whether it may be trash or something worthwhile..atleast its still worth my boredom. the pain of my tummy still has not subsided but i think the electric fan has something to do with it. its scorching hot and i prefer to keep the fan within its maximum level ? okay enough with the nonesense and lets get to my thoughts.

i have been quite disturbed for quite some time now by the insecurity that has caused by the exes of my present bubu.. for 11 months i have been tortured by the fact that i play second fiddle and im part of her own "bottom of the barrel". my efforts just seem to be useless when i know that all those sweet stuff that we have done were already executed in her past relationships. i always find tiem everyday to think about those things and hurt myself again and again (emotionally enough with those suicidal tendencies) with the thought that im not the one she shared her first moments with. having someone beside you doesnt really mean that you have her forever. especially now that she has gained consciousness, lost her innocence in some things that made her a bit "passive". i respect the fact (although it hurted me deeply) that she loved that person more than she could give and it made her stumble. loving someone with all her heart was considered a mistake to her. she learned to set limitations to everything and confined herself to that traumatic experience.

the mistakes that her past partner commited is now being paid for by me. and i think that i dont deserve it. but now i know that its not always like that. things should not be seen negatively. all the things that i see today should be dealt with as a challenge and not as something to be afraid of. i have experienced i think almost everything in the past year during our relationship and i can see no point of turning my back on it.

their graduation marks the end of our petty school days. no on could make our future bright but ourselves. right at this very moment we dangle at what could happen next. a whole new world is right infront of her. will i still be in the picture?

so being bitter and insecure shouldnt be in my system right now. i have to deal with all of this without the negative immature things that seems so deadly.

i can see that its all worth it in the end...

i can see it now..

ill..be....alright...

as long as it matters...

as long as ur here with me now..

im not happy anymore..


define happiness = having, showing or feeling great pleasure or joy

define hapless = unlucky

then why the hell those two words sound alike?! all letters seem to be correlated to each other. like a mind puzzle set up by the soviet KGB for them to also know the true meaning of this.

two words that are so close in the dictionary, yet so different...

like two hearts feel the same way for each other...but has too many differences...

wait...feel the same way?!

or is it me with my stupid wishful thinking?

nothing is really sure as of now..a lot of things have been said and done..a lot of fights are endured..but why all of a sudden all the things that i have taken care of slowly fades away?

silly questions just need silly answers from silly persons who is just like a silly person like me..

but sometimes the answers (sensible ones) always come up in my own head and i cant accept the fact that things are really like that..i still need some person to let me realize all the things..its always easy to be the person in the 3rd point of view...its always like that..all things are like that..when it becomes saturated the things that are negative and near become so blurry that everything becomes wrong..so i am so wrong. till here..tata life...i just need time out...all these problems i face make me weaker