this time he really proves it...^_^x

its been a long time since i blogged here.the reason for my temporary stroll of to hiatus most probably be me being real busy in school, and going to other schools if you know what i mean..hehe..gee whiz..im at it again.im talking to myself again.well.i cant help it.im feeling light and bubbly all of a sudden.maybe this just counters my last blog which as really down and depressed.but things always has ways REALLY to neutralize everything (i always repeat this line because its hella applicable for me) teka im talking to my aunt..ill just catch up with this blog later..hehe

god is good....all the time!

its odd how things come their way.i mean.why all problems can be solved always by the mind and not by the heart?my heart has been badly beaten for awhile.and my mind thinks that i should put a lid on this.2-3 months maybe is enough time to think about things.i have been taking baby steps for too long now.i actually been having "baby turtle steps" to be frank with myself.but before i start with pieces of crap.ill just make kwento of what recently happened so i wouldnt sound confusing.
there we were yesterday (jan18) at glorietta 4.i thought i would be enjoying the rest of the day.because we planned that affair for about 2 weeks.aissa,frances,em,fayah,sheila and i were there.and suddenly she approached me and told me that someone who's really really unexpected would come.its her ex.i didnt know what to react.i was quiet the whole time while walking towards the photo booth.i wasnt making inarte or something.but something really bothered me.i really felt stupid for being at the wrong place at the wrong time.there they were...after around 30 minutes standing infront of the kodak booth.i saw the dreaded face of the green monster of jealousy.no one could ever make me feel better that time.i felt like crying but i didnt.i had to hold the tears for tears would automatically signal my loss.the only thing left with me was my brain dictating to every part of my body what to do.how could anyone possibly stand that sight?im not bragging but i dont think that no one of my knowledge could do such a thing.i even accompanied them to the terminal eventhough the mrt station(where im supposed to ride to go to jenna's bday)was around 2 miles away.who would feel bad about it?i know im not perfect but who could prevent me from speaking ill of them?never in my whole life has i have been humiliated so much that i though of commiting suicide.i almost jumped while the mrt train was nearing me.but i didnt jump coz i love my parents too much to disappoint them.after that.i went to jenna's house to party with her because it was her 18th birthday.she told me that she'd call me but no one answered.coz jenna's fone as busted the whole time.then my fone suddenly beeped a familiar sound.its a text from her.saying "san k na?kain lng ako ah.luv u" its the text that led me towards my ocean bed.i know its not for me coz she knows where i was that time.so there was i again.trying to hold back the tears.so i just tried to neutralize the bitterness that surrounded me by spending more time with jenna's friends.i could really hug them for being so accomodating.they made me feel complete again.no exaggeration.thats why god really exists.i really am a believer!hehehe.he helped me through thick and thin..anyway..im off now...im going to mass..thank him for everything...and ask more for strength.we might see each other tomorrow.to end all of these madness..i love her too much to stay.i dont want to inflict severe harm to myself anymore.im not sure of what i am capable to do if she still keeps on hurting me.the pain would take a lifetime to heal.thats for sure.im feeling it now.

for a moment there i thought that i lost 2 of my latest blogs.it isnt easy taking down all of my thoughts if u know what i mean.hehe.anyway.
here we move on again with another chapter of my shitty ass life as i may compliment it.today is what i recall my favorite date 2 years ago.its our first monthsary with my ex.having our first monthsary did have a lot of memories.we had our petty fight on this date and i had the nsat test simultaeneously with their play's practises.so there it came.we fought and i just went to atc or some palce instead.i just forgot the place where i sought refuge.hehe.so enough of those childish memories.hihi.
the main reason i blogged today because i dont know how to find an outlet to let go of my feelings.i feel that im going to explode any moment now.and shes the only reason why.yesterday we went out to watch LOTR II.i went with her without hesitation eventhough i already watched that film for like 3 times.so there we were in the moviehouse.there was i again.in the same scenario.quiet and devoted.(haha).so after the film i accompanied her till moonwalk.so okay,there wasnt anything crappy or anything.just a little "tampo" when we were at casimiro.she kept on stressing the fact that we were "friends" and she told me what happened to her and her ex the night before.she was furious of someone who liked her ex....later lastnight.she called me.dropcall actually.she asked me if she could call me.so i told her yes.i was talking to someone that time.someone who i used to like.so she called alright.then i told her what is her problem.if she needed help or something.then she quickly told me that she should hang up.whats her freakin problem..?!i mean i have been bothered by that simple phonecall.and now she acts as though nothing happened.hay.if i could just tell her everything that i feel..hmm...which gives me the idea.aha!i know what to do.lets just wait and see...Ü

i feel weezy...
maybe i had a little to much of her.i didnt attend my last 2 classes (rhetoric and math ana gosh!)just to help her with her stinking flash project.after last night i havent received any single text message from her.maybe she wanted me to answer her "clone question" or something.i dont know what shes up to next.i feel theres something coming up.so i think ill just prepare myself on what's in store for me.
my love for her will always be...my biggest part that i could give to thee...cheesy eh?

okay okay...
so i was kinda lazy in writing blogs.maybe i was just all gushy and stuff.iono.i just dont know what to feel.im always this uncertain.she made me this uncertain.i dont want to be that complacent nor insecure about her.because shes doing stuff that im not sure of.shes changing me.the question is...until when will i stand this time of pretensions?or rather my stupidity?i can obviously see that she could control me in any way possible.and i,sad as is may seem,live with it by being simply submissive.
man has the gift of reason.but love is a death gift.contrasting the principles of emotions and reason.its plainly hard to decide on love especially when you love excessively.haha excessively.its really getting into my nerves.hehe...
anyway...2 days ago (jan 3).she made something that made me really leap for joy.she gave me the thing that i have been persuading her to buy for me.it isnt cheap so she told me to get lost.but she gave me one!wheeee!she gave me a nirvana cd.but on my way home the insects of uncertainty has been creeping on my pants and slowly eating me whole.it made me more confused if what am i to her.i totaly admit that i always see the giant green monster of jealousy if she talks about her ex that she still loves.but who wouldnt?im only human with my mistakes and she isnt that perfect too.i hope i could hold on to this situation until summer.i dont deny the fact that i enjoy her company,her sweetness(ugh i am so gullible when it comes to those things)our boisterous laughter,everything actually!id be completely crushed to know the whole truth.its what scares me.i hope that i could hold on apple...
i love you too much to let you go...i love you too much to hold on to this madness...