hay.new year.new year.whats new?
gosh.time really flies.its already 2003.ill eventually be having problems forgetting that its already 2003.last night before eating the usual "medya noche"(if thats how its spelled hehe)..we attended the new year mass.and the priest told us to reflect on what happened to me the past year.so i did.what i found out is that i always forget to count my blessings.i have always demanded a lot from him.but i always get disppointed when he doesnt give me exactly what i need.though he frequently does that im still very grateful.because things are not given to me in excess of what i ask for.its up to me to reach my goals that i have set for myself and it gives me more challenge.i sound like a freakin preacher.dontget me wrong.im dont look like one.and i certainly dont act like one.i do like to talk about these things introvertly.so i just talk about this in this online journal for my convenience thank you.hehe.anyway.
im still tired.spending 10 hours hugging the sheets still wont make up for the stress that i had while travelling from vigan to manila.speaking of vigan.i havent talked about our trip to bagiuo,then vigan and back.thats why i was off to hiatus these past few days.dis wuz da rison.hehe.anyway.i had a GREAT time with my cousins.sayang nga my brothers didnt come.mybe because they really are not that ready when it comes to long journeys like that one.being in baguio was cool.it wouldnt be that fun if it werent for rose.my cousin's girl.we have a lot in common.from music preferences to exclusive culture if u know what i mean.we even showered together with gwyn,tita farah's daughter.after baguio and vigan i feel that certain bond between me and my relatives.i duno.i felt good about it.maybe that "reyes" bond came alive again.inspite of our differences in sex,culture(haha the korean exchange student were with us),music preferences,taste in clothes,taste in women(haha),we still keep that tight chain that no one could ever cut loose.keep hope alive(mala retreat lolz).i love the reyes clan.i love her

ATLAST.i have successfully changed the layout of my blogger.im getting tired of it anyway.wel.today isnt not just any ordinary day.its christmas.sad as it may seem.i dont feel "extraordinary".i just feel like any mediocre human being trying to kill time by blogging here.sounds sick?thats because i am.im sick of being stuck in here.in sick of this routine.ive been doing this for 2 years now and nothing seems to change.i cant see any improvement in terms of our financial status.enough of that crap.anyway.im hapi and contented (*sarcastic?*)im serious.im dead serious.im hapi that no one got hurt this christmas.no one followed yani's footsteps.and to be honest im quite excited.because my relatives from my father side asked me to come with them to baguio.they havent decided yet on who's car would i hitch into.my cousin kuya lawrence will be going with only his girlfriend and brother so there would be a lot of space for moi.my uncle would be goin out with his girlfriend and his gf's daughter gwen.lola maybe would also be in that ride.but bembem (kuya's brother) told me that i would ride at tito bong's car with him.so i guesss that would make it all clear.we'l leave at tomorrow at around 12 am.i cant imagine myself being that energetic after that long ride inside that dreaded car.i hope i could make it.hehe.maybe a can of choco flakes should do the trick.nga pala.shes asking me to buy 3 boxes of choco flakes.a sweater.a blouse,a necklace and anything that i could see that would make her hapi.

phewie.its already 24th of december and in just a few hours ill be receiving a lot of jolly text messages greeting me merry christmas ya ya ya ya and a lot of yada.but i know xmas is all about giving.and i shouldnt rant about it.but what can i do?im selfish and i cant help it.i need cash.i need it badly.hehe

will i stay or will i go?why are you asking me if you would walk away from me?dont you like me?or is it just her?why cant you love me?dont you love me?do u really care?why do u show me affection?do u mean it?

if u dont..then i should really leave.for good.

How many brothas fell victim to tha streetz
Rest in peace young nigga, there's a Heaven for a 'G'
be a lie, If I told ya that I never thought of death
my niggas, we tha last ones left
but life goes on.....
2pac...life goes on

im still thinking about you...thank you again for being there all the time...

yesterday i came to their play in st paul manila...i couldnt stop laughing...it came out of hand and couldnt control myself...anyway after that we went to yani's burol again...our travel time was even longer than the time we stayed in there...then i accompanied her to her house and got home finally at around 10 pm...i feel hella guilty for making yani as an excuse for my mom while i make my own "lakad". I dont think that yani deserves such things from me.have i no respect for the dead.i should i say im just reallly really madly over to the max inlove with her...enough of this crap...anyway...last night after while i was watching tv..i was sitting on our sofa and suddenly i heard someone walking.then i saw a white person walking on our sidewalk (i just call it sidewalk).her slippers were real noisy and i think the soles were real thick...then i asked who was it...no one answered...so i felt that its the person whom i expected to come to me...so i tried to talk to her...saying all the stuff that i should...its really great coz i told people that i wanted to feel her...and she didnt scare me at all...so i got rid (of some) of the things that has been adding up on the load on which my exhausted heart carries...i was really relieved...believing that shes listening and all.. i hope i talked to the right person...i hope i wasnt a mediocre prank that was just pulled by anyone or even by my eyes...so i was able to sleep soundly last night nga pala...but my mom was real mad because of my shitty talks...i told her to prepare food for around 6 people...she insisted to stay at home instead of going to star city just to cook for us.but much to her dismay...i didnt come...shitty eh?anyway...i was really guilty and all si that added up (again) to the burden that my heart is carrying...but in a was i was really touched because of that simple thing...eventhough she woke me up 6 am in the morning while hitting me with a comb...i felt real lucky having her...she made a little sacrifice for me..although it got to waste it still made a lot of help in making me a better person...i learned a lot of things...i hope that i could live with this...so ill just end this blog right now...im gonna ask chino if my mom's really coming of not...because i should meet my friends (whom i badly mis) at BK at around 11 am..hope i could come...*sigh*

life is really uncertain...ull never know who'll go and who stays...my dearest friend...confidante...and kada...passed away last december 18,2002(wednesday)YANI...yesterday i went to her mass in holy trinity sucat...the priest's homily about death and living life made me think real deep...she died of a gunshot which her own hand had done to herself...she died at around 2 or 12 pm (according to her sister) in her dad's office because of some reasons on which we were not sure of...i almost sulked in the funeral parlor if it werent just for *her*...she was standing there outside so i went out just after the communion to see her...she still despises me that time so i have to make "bawi"...going back to yani...i never expected this to happen..everybody really never expected yani to do this...shes really a kind hearted fellow...and no matter how hard your problem is...shes still there to help you...but unfortunately,no one of her walls to lean on was there...or rather one person triggered the situation...but like what her sister has said...just dont blame anyone...cause there isnt any point in blaming anyone...shes right...coz all of us shares in the blame for her...she has given all of her friends a piece of her...yet in some point no one ever gave her what she needed...help...she needed someone to lean on...she needed someone to love...and she needed to be loved back...i admit that i also havent given her much attention lately...complacent that she would always be one jeepney ride away...now...shes one lifetime away...yani...u have given me much more than what i have asked for...i had given you less than what u have deserved... but i know its too late to tell u this...but ill still say it anyway...yani im sorry...yani i love you...yani i miss you...

Funny how i think about tons of stuff to write here...i have thought of a lot of things last night...then now...when im all ready to put them into writing...all disappears....so what im gonna share right now is just a fraction of what i have been thinking yesterday...mama even asked me why was i real quiet upon arriving home..im not usually quiet when eating my food...i often find means to break our "communication gap"..but last night I was different…I was really thinking…with “blank stares” heheh…those were caused by one incident only…but maybe not…Im really not sure if its only caused by that incident…it made me really think hard…this is what happened…I was at their house…then I was kissing her at their sofa…then all of a sudden…I had that urge to bite her…I bit her near her neck real long…I sucked it actually…I didn’t want to hurt her eh…and I didn’t want to leave a bite mark on her neck…but it turned out to be something more horrible…I left a hickey on her neck…if its that what some people call it…I wasn’t aware that it would happen…I mean I never did that to anyone…I never even kissed anyone…shes the first one to kiss me actually…although it felt good…I mean the kiss thing…I have to admit it It was really good cause I really love her…I didn’t feel right…cause she told me she loved someone else…and I could see that she’s really in love with that person…im really confused…and the only way to really be sure about what she feels for me is to ask her myself…but im really scared to know the truth. im too much of a chicken to face reality…why cant all of us just close our eyes to hide everything…as of now im in the stage of differentiating reality from fantasy…I think ive been living in a fantasy for some time now…a month and a half for some people may seem short…but for me it feels like forever…ive been hurting myself for quite some time actually…I still don’t learn…why don’t I learn? cause I want to have everything ive been hoping and fighting for…pushing myself to the limits…---- is right….every rope breaks no matter how hard it may seem…I think ive been digging my grave, turning it into a deeper pit Everytime I see her…as funny as it may seem to be…but this is what I really feel…I love her yes…but the things in her turns me into someone im not…and worse…I cant discern whats REALLY in her head…and it kills me how can she be so manipulative at times…*sigh*
going back to my experience yesterday…where were we…ah yeah…to the hickey thing…at the moment I saw it…I told her that she had one…right then and then she freaked out…I freaked out more than her…I wasn’t hysterical or something but I was real quiet and stationery…I even forgot to breathe for crying out loud…then she told me that I was like someone…she compared me to someone whom I really despise…then she told me… “look at this face., this is the face of a girl that u have eaten...” I was really shocked…eaten? Hello??? We have been through a lot…and I don’t think I was taking advantage at that very moment…I never (maybe more often than never) took advantage of her…if I was really taking ad…then I should have eaten her literally…the term… “eaten”…although she was really panicking cause she doesn’t know what to do with her mom…it really bothered me…then her big sister texted her saying that she was near the house…so I left uttering my final sorry words…begging for her mercy and forgiveness…I attempted to joke with her to forget everything else.. But I think it just aggravated the situation…she told me not to touch her…damn…how things could change in just a blink of an eye…one second she was really sweet and all the next moment she was telling me not to touch her….*sigh*…anyway…I haven’t had enough sleep lately…that incident worsened by insomnia…coz ive been thinking about it all night…then awhile ago before going to the simbang gabi…I texted her saying sorry and stuff and explaining that im really not that kind of person…then the I left my phone at the bathroom cause I didn’t want to check my phone every second…that’s what I think would happen at mass…so I checked my phone at around 9 am…I saw my phone was stating that there was 1 message received…then opened it…wondering who could it be…having really no hope of getting a text message from her…I unexpectedly had one from her…saying that her mom didn’t notice that mark that she had…thank god…but chances are…it might be seen eventually…she was lucky…but I hope that no one notices…anyway…this blog is the longest ive made as of now…so im just going to stop right now…remember..this is just a fraction of what I was and still is on my mind…im going to leave memory lane for now…its hard to stand up from a long time of slumber…if u know what I mean…anyway…im off to nowhere again…im going to take a turn away from memory lane and walk slowly towards rational reasoning…haha..what am I upto…I honestly don’t know…as of now…it depends on her…that’s how much I love her…I hope she knows that…ti amo diciassette…

mejo ok na ko...sira tong blogger na to...ayaw nung iba pumasok..anhaba pa naman nun.haaay...anyway...inis sha sakin..im beginning to wonder...user ba sha or its just me giving in to any possible way that i could..its my fault din eh...im spoiling her..ayan tuloy...enough of that crap...nga pala...obernayt me kela tony nung fri then si daf naman obernayt samin nung saturday hanggang ngayon...grabe...tas si papa nasa hospital ngayon kagabi pa...i dunno wat to think....grabe...napupuno na utak ko...sana after this madami akong matutunan..but i feel naman na madami eh..ngayon pa nga lang natututo na ko eh...anyway.im just gona go to mass then ill continue this "reminiscin session" coz its really been a long time since i blogged actually...this is supposed to be a personal blogger...not a diary with cheesy stuff...sorry to disappoint anyone who reads this...its just that i dont find solace in writing long handwritten journals like what sebastian did in cruel intentions...hehe hes hot...darn i really cant stop once i play my keys...anyway...i really hafta go...i already dc'd all programs that i frequently use...which leaves this online diary active..ariba! lolz.laterz...